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15 January 2011 @ 08:55 pm
The Dapper Highwayman- Part I  
Title: The Dapper Highwayman
Author: mothergoddamn
Fandom: Glee
Rating: R
Characters: Kurt/Blaine
Disclaimer: Don't own. Don't sue.
Summary: Heading back from college for the summer, Kurt decides to pick up a hitchhiker. And gets a lot more than a travelling companion

The Dapper Highwayman.

There was a slight possibility that Kurt had made an error in judgment.

He should have flown back to Lima from college. He should have listened to his father.

"Look, I was never happy about you driving back in the first place. But at least Finn was going to be with you. I don't like the thought of you doing it alone. It’s a hell of drive, kiddo."

"Finn had a fight with Rachel, dad. He wanted to see her sooner. I'm twenty-one! I'll be fine!"

"I don't know why you are driving anyway. Just because of one time with a little bit of turbulence."

"It wasn't just a little bit of turbulence, dad! It was like a movie starring Steven Seagal." Kurt had argued. "I could have died! Besides this will be fun. Adventurous.”

"You're not actually the adventurous type, son," his father had chuckled. “Just you be careful, okay. Get here in one piece.”

And here he was, driving in the pelting rain, fighting boredom and trying not yawn up all the oxygen in the car. Stifling yet another, he fidgeted with the dial. Whoever had invented talk radio must have just hated those with a sense of hearing. Giving up, he let a country music station win. He wasn't particularly a gracious loser but it was either that or drive into a ditch.

Why did everything look the same out here? He thought he was going to go blind out of sheer boredom. He hadn’t even seen any other vehicles in over a hour. Which is why he was shocked to see the hitcher on the side of the road.

"What on Earth?" he said out loud, seeing the figure in the distance. A young man held down by a large duffel bag with one hopeful thumb out towards the road. He'd catch his death in this weather!

Kurt bit his lip. He couldn't pick him up. That was insane, right? What if he had escaped from a mental institute and was roaming over the country making people put lotions in baskets?


Like. Seriously. He couldn't.

But he was going to die out here! Which in a way made Kurt the murderer, and there were no other cars and it was so wet and... Oh, he'd driven past him.

Well, he couldn't have really picked him up, and if he had, he could have a fish hook in his back by now. Wes Craven had a lot to answer for. Pretty much everyone who passed the boy must be thinking the same thing, if anyone passed him, that was the stereotype after all. Kurt began to feel guilty for the guy. He was going to be here all night at this rate.

"You're not actually the adventurous type, son." His father's voice said in his mind and without thinking about it, his foot hit the brakes. Kurt would show him adventurous. He pulled the car into reverse, stopping once he saw the hitcher running to the door. Leaning across the car, Kurt wound down the passenger window.

"Hey," he shouted out, struggling to be heard over the wind. "Where are you heading?"

"Grangeville?" The hitcher called back.

"That's in my direction!" Kurt said, "The door's open, get in!"

The boy gave him a big grin and pulled open the door, climbing in. "Oh, my God. I didn't think anyone was going to stop!" he said, holding up the duffel. "Shall I just throw this in the back?"

"No!" Kurt screeched as the man began to shove it between the two seats. "You can't drop that onto a Vivienne Westwood!"

The hitcher blinked. Once. Twice. And then looked onto the backseat. "Oh! Your coat? I see!"

Kurt blushed on realizing that the man was cute. Insane cute. And Kurt had just yelled at him like a mentalist. Brilliant start. Perfect. "It's okay, it's okay. I'll move it." He leaned into the back and pushed the jacket over gently. "There, you can put it in now."

"Are you sure it's okay on the seat? It's pretty wet."

He must think that Kurt was the most anal retentive person in the world. Great. "No, go ahead. It's a rental car." That sounded more breezy and carefree in his head. Out loud it sounded like "well as long as it's not my stuff, feel free to burn it."

"Thanks," he called pushing the bag into the back. Being careful not to be anywhere near the coat, Kurt noticed. "And thanks for stopping. Really. It's very kind of you."

"Pah, nah. Ah." Okay, what the hell was that? It had just fallen out of his mouth. You'd think he'd never had a cute boy in his car before.

Well, it had been awhile. And they weren't usually wet.

"Blaine, by the way," the boy offered, pushing out his hand.

"Kurt." He gave it a shake back and had to swallow the urge to say "enchante". It was the tiredness. He could swear he'd left college with a brain. "So, why are you hitching?"

"Oh, I had an argument with my friend. She threw me out about a hour ago." He pulled a cell out of his pocket. "And this is dead."

“She kicked you out and left you on the road? That must have been some argument.”

“Yeah, well. I maintain I was right.” Blaine gave a shake of his head. “She has a tendency to overreact. But thank God for you! I’d have frozen to death if I’d been out there any longer.”

“Really, it’s no problem.” Kurt grinned, as his head chanted. Cute boy in my car, cute boy in my car.

This trip was definitely looking up.


Kurt and Blaine had a lot in common. After half an hour of Blaine's company, he was no longer bored. Although, instead of driving into a ditch because he'd fallen asleep, he was now at risk of doing it from the over studying of Blaine's jaw line. God, he wanted to nip it with his teeth. No, what was he thinking? Blaine was clearly straight. Friend indeed. Friends don't throw you out of cars during storms. Jealous lovers do.

"Do you mind if I put the radio on?" Kurt asked, if only to distract him from temptations to miss the gearstick.

"Er, yeah. Okay." Blaine's smile faltered and he looked strangely worried. "I'll do it."

Blaine's flicking through the stations brought no new joy. Talk, news, country, talk...

...travelling by foot, armed and extremely dangerous. Wanted in connection with...

"Wait," Kurt said. "Oh, my God! Go back to that one!"

"What? Really?" Blaine frowned, turning the dial back. “It’s just boring news.”

... who the press have coined The Dapper Highwayman, police advise that no one should pick up any..."

"No, the next one," Kurt waved with his finger. "Yeah! That one." He grinned as Belinda Carlisle filled the car. "I love this song!"

"Me, too!" Blaine agreed brightening up quickly. "This is an amazing station. I love this station. Let's keep it on this station."

Kurt tried to hide what he was sure was a very stupid looking grin. Blaine liked this song, too! Could he be more perfect?

Oh, yeah. The straight thing.

"What's in Grangeville then?" Kurt asked. "Family?"

"My grandmother. There's just us now. I like to visit in the summer, you know. Be there for her."

Kurt sighed in appreciation. Loudly. "Er, that's sweet of you."

Blaine gave a humble shrug. "So, why are you driving to Ohio? Quite the trek. Why not fly?"

"Well," Kurt grimaced, "I don't like flying. Hate in fact. I know that doesn't sound very... cool, but I thought instead of getting myself into a fit of nerves I could just drive. That it might be exciting, fun you know?"

"But travelling these roads at night. Kind of dangerous, isn't it? Especially alone."

"Well, I was supposed to be travelling with Finn but he went ahead without me and flew."

"Finn? Is he your boyfriend?"

"No! I mean, no. Finn is my brother. We're at the same college. Although, I used to have this huge, huge crush on him."

Blaine's eyes widened in shock.

"Oh! Not in a Flowers in the Attic kind of way! He's my step-brother. My father and his mother got married when we were in high school," Kurt explained. "Step-brother."

"Right! Wow. For a minute there..." Blaine shrugged nonchalantly. "So... Is there a boyfriend? Hopefully one not related?"

"No," Kurt answered too quickly. Blushing he tried again. "I mean not at the moment, there isn't."

"Hard to believe," Blaine whispered, looking out the window, with a small smile playing on his lips

Oh, good God. Was cute boy in my car flirting with him? Yes! Yes! He needed to pull over and do high kicks! Aiming for relaxed Kurt gave an "it is what it is" shrug.

"Do... you have a boyfriend?" he asked back. Staring straight at the road ahead, hoping Blaine wouldn't see his reddening ears in the dimming light.

"Ditto. No one at the moment."

He hadn't corrected the gender. Yes! High kicks all round.

"Kurt, would we be okay to stop at that gas station? I just want to run in and get some things."

"Sure, sure." He indicated off and pulled in. "I could do with some gas, actually."

"Oh, let me. You've been so nice. You stay out here and fill this up. I'll get the gas and some supplies, okay?"

"No, it's fine. I couldn't..."

"Yet you will! Honestly, Kurt. I really owe you!" He leaned into the back retrieving the duffel bag. "I'll be right back."

Kurt was so giddy he could hardly stand it. It really had been awhile. Even filling up the car was flooding him full of filthy thoughts. He gave his hair a quick scan in the side mirror. Passable. But why had he dressed for comfort? Would Blaine notice if he was wearing an entire different outfit when he got back in the car?

Tank filled, he slipped back into his seat and tapped at his lip absently. Grangeville wasn't that far now. They had a few hours at best. Would it be too weird to ask Blaine out? Was he even interested? When it came to signals Kurt wasn't the most fluent of readers.

Hearing the slam of the station door, Kurt looked up to see Blaine running at him almost full pelt. He practically ran through the door into the car.

"Are you okay?" Kurt asked, concerned. "You look flushed?"

"Oh, I was just scared about getting caught in the rain again. My hair's wild enough."

It was. Kurt wanted to dive into it.

"I got you some magazines by the way," Blaine said as they drove away. The bag was open on his lap. "Tatler, Vogue. Erm, Men's Health?"

"Oh, that’s so sweet! You didn't need to do that!" Kurt exclaimed feeling touched. He gave a start on seeing the bag's overflowing contents. "Wow, you look like you cleared the store!"

"Oh, well. The prices. They were practically giving them away."

"Are those tampons?"

"Oh, those are... presents. For my Gran."

"You got tampons for your grandmother as a gift?" Kurt asked. "Wait, your grandmother still menstruates?

"No, erm. They're for nostalgia."

Kurt wasn't too sure about asking about that date now. Then again, maybe Blaine was just eccentric. He could live with that. He could just see it now. They'd attend parties together and Blaine would say something strange and endearing and then Kurt would roll his eyes and say "Oh, Blaine!" in that way and they'd laugh and sneak upstairs looking for a spare bed and...

"Kurt?" Blaine asked. "You okay?"

"Sorry, wool gathering." Kurt looked down between Blaine's feet. "Hey, you've dropped a couple of twenties there!"

"What? Oh! Thanks!" Blaine scooped them up, turning round and shoving them into the bag. "Oh, hey, Kurt, I'm really glad you picked me up." And then Blaine smiled. A smile different to any smile he'd shared before. It made Kurt want to melt into the floor and puddle around his feet.

"Oh, pft. Nah pah." Jesus! What was wrong with him? His fingers tightened on the steering wheel. "I mean. Don't worry about it."

Ask him out, ask him out, ask him out.

Okay, he'd ask him out in ten minutes. Ten.


"Can we just stop here, please?" Blaine asked, one hour later. "I just need to use the restroom."

Bad thoughts rammed into Kurt's mind. And they were all George Michael's fault.

"Absolutely!" Kurt took the corner into the station a little too fast. He really needed to start playing it cooler. But his window to ask was drawing to a close. And every time he opened his mouth, lunacy would vomit out. College was supposed to make you better at this stuff. And what if Blaine said no? How awkward would be the rest of the drive? It was at least another hour to Grangeville.

"Do you want anything from inside?” Blaine asked. “I may get some gum."

"Oh, could you please get me some Evian?" Kurt began to root out his wallet but Blaine held up a hand.

"Let me, please." He grabbed the bag from the back. "I'll just be a minute."

Kurt watched him walking towards the store, mentally berating himself. Right, that was it. The moment Blaine got back into the car he was asking him. Even if it led to brutal rejection and driving the rest of the way, sobbing, while waving an angry fist at the sky.

Glancing to the side he saw a wallet left on the seat beside him. Oh! Blaine must have forgotten it when running in. He'd nothing to pay with! Grabbing his own wallet Kurt got out of the car and made his way over to the store. Well, this could work. Kurt could stroll in all cool and rich and buy Blaine that gum. Then he could suavely suggest how about he get Blaine a drink? And then buy two Evians. Genius.

Kurt pushed open the door, the bell signaling his custom. He looked towards the cashier smiling in hello. And then froze.

There were two figures at the counter. One was shaking in fear and quickly filling a bag with cash. The other was wearing a pair of tights on his head and holding a gun.

Oh, Christ in a Safari park, he had walked into a robbery. An armed robbery! Where was Blaine?

"I..." Kurt began faltering. "I didn't mean..."

The robber was wearing Blaine's clothes. "Kurt!" The robber had Blaine's voice.

With a gasp Kurt turned and ran from the store, stumbling as he tried to extract the keys from his pocket. He heard Blaine behind him calling his name and pushed himself to run faster. He flung open the door and threw himself in. Reaching across the seats, he tried to lock the passenger door, but Blaine was too quick.

"Listen, Kurt!" Blaine said, climbing in to the car, ripping the tights from his head and dropping the bag. It was open and overflowing with money. "This isn't what it looks like!"

"Out! Out!" Kurt kicked wildly but Blaine caught his foot, pulling him towards him. "Get off!"

"Damnit, Kurt!" Kurt's eyes widened when a gun presented itself to his shocked face. Blaine lowered the barrel, pointing it at Kurt's chest. "Just drive, okay! Get us out of here."

"No! I'm not going anywhere with you!"

"Did you not see this?" Blaine waved the gun. "This is real." He shot a panicked look back at the station. "Come on, Kurt!"

"I'll eat my keys!" Kurt held them up. "I will!"

"You'll eat your....? You might want to remove all those fobs? Unless you're going to eat the plastic troll, too?" Blaine snapped. "Right! That's it." He dived into the backseat, hands snatching up the Vivienne Westwood jacket. "Don't make me do it," Blaine said, pushing the pistol into the material. "Drive, Kurt!"

"Oh, my God! Oh, my God!" He pushed the keys into the ignition. "I'm driving! I'm driving!"

Part II
vincent_twicevincent_twice on January 15th, 2011 09:36 pm (UTC)
Bettina Dawes: Book: Sweet Valley Highmothergoddamn on January 15th, 2011 09:37 pm (UTC)
vincent_twicevincent_twice on January 16th, 2011 07:01 pm (UTC)
OKAY. THIS SHIT IS TOO HILARIOUS. Mostly because Kurt is so oblivious. Also, because I have the same level of obliviousness. I miss the most obvious of things, so I know exactly what this is like! I mean, the radio station??? DAPPER HIGHWAYMAN?!?!?!?!?! I can't believe this comes from your brain.

Oh, and this:

He could just see it now. They'd attend parties together and Blaine would say something strange and endearing and then Kurt would roll his eyes and say "Oh, Blaine!" in that way and they'd laugh and sneak upstairs looking for a spare bed and...

Pfft. ROFL, except I rolled around on my bed instead.

Off to read part 2~~~~
duochan_maxwellduochan_maxwell on January 15th, 2011 09:48 pm (UTC)
I laughed really hard at the title (and the newsflash about "the Dapper Highwayman").
But is a very nice fic, curious for what's next!
Bettina Dawesmothergoddamn on January 15th, 2011 09:50 pm (UTC)
Hi! There's a PART II link just under that section! I've finished this. Here you are

Edited at 2011-01-15 09:50 pm (UTC)
Emily Kellysporkyforky on January 15th, 2011 11:49 pm (UTC)
LOL.I almost died laughing when Blaine took Kurt's jacket, of all things, as hostage.

Glad you continued to write after the misfits crossover. hooray!
Bettina Dawes: Film: Toy Storymothergoddamn on January 15th, 2011 11:59 pm (UTC)
HOORAY! I deleted so many scenes with that jacket. It came the star...
cimmerianscimmerians on January 16th, 2011 01:53 am (UTC)
Oh my LORD. You are the funniest Glee writer going, no question. This was a fucking bundle of neverending goofy joy. I held it together quite well up until 'lotions in baskets' and then it was all a wet and scary and loud mess from there on out.

neffervescent: shitneffervescent on January 16th, 2011 02:48 am (UTC)

Stargirlmisuslovett on January 16th, 2011 10:34 am (UTC)
oh sweet jesus I think I peed a little... I am like sitting here SHAKING with laughter oh godd this is going into my memories!

also I don't know why but this line just KILLED me dead: Kurt could stroll in all cool and rich and buy Blaine that gum.

verdandilverdandil on January 22nd, 2011 02:36 am (UTC)
LOL, this is hilarious; to think that Kurt would be more threatened by the fact that his Vivienne Westwood coat got damaged than having a gun pointed at him.
sparkysparkysparkysparky on February 12th, 2011 07:47 pm (UTC)
aura218aura218 on February 18th, 2011 09:41 am (UTC)
*is hysterical* "I'll eat my keys!" has got to be the best robbery line in all of buddy comedy history.
theamberlights: you're cutetheamberlights on March 26th, 2011 06:52 pm (UTC)
OH MANN!!!! This is awesome!!
I DIED at the coat part at the end. Oh, Kurt...
purelytaintedktpurelytaintedkt on May 8th, 2011 02:14 am (UTC)
OMG Why are you so much love?! lololol threatening the jacket
מִרְיָם רִבְקָהangelofcaffeine on June 21st, 2011 06:50 pm (UTC)
HOW IS THIS SO FUNNY? So many times I had to stop reading to calm myself down. It's hilarious. XD Oh, Kurt.
dani_elizabethxdani_elizabethx on July 29th, 2011 04:46 am (UTC)

rilakkuma_donut: merlinheerilakkuma_donut on August 2nd, 2012 01:55 pm (UTC)


"You got tampons for your Grandmother as a gift?" Kurt asked. "Wait, your Grandmother still menstruates?

"No, erm. They're for nostalgia."

Kurt wasn't too sure about asking about that date now. Then again, maybe Blaine was just eccentric.


Edited at 2012-08-02 01:55 pm (UTC)